How do you feel when you lose someone in your life? Friend or not. Even if it’s an acquaintance. How do you handle that? Do you sulk? Do you celebrate their life? Mourn?

I’m not good with death. Never have been. Losing someone is not easy for me. Some people can be in the same room as their loved one passes. Not me. I lost my parents just a few years within each other. Both had DNRs. I remember getting the phone calls that they were soon to be gone and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit in the same room.

I got a phone call from a kid I used to coach years ago. He asked me if I heard about someone that I used to coach with. Kevin was one of goalkeepers. The guy I coached with was German. He was one of those sort of coaches that had winning teams and the clubs always just let him have the best players due to this. We were a travel team. Actually, one of the best teams I ever coached. All three of my GKs got scholarships and two became All-Americans. Something I’m proud of, as if you can’t tell.

Anyway, when I heard that Detlef had commited suicide. It just took the wind out of my sails. He owned a local garage that specializes in German and European cars. I used to stop by his garage when he stopped coaching just to chat. He was one of those people that was philosophical and you could learn a lot from just by a conversation. I miss that and him. I guess he was that big brother that I never had.

This friend of mine that passed recently was a local musician that broke out. He toured with national bands. Did well. He showed up in the scene back when the swing movement was happening locally. Me and a few others were trying to grow the scene here for swing and rockabilly, so people that kinda lurked at shows were out front and center stage. We sported pompadours, spectators and BC Ethic/Sopranos-style shirts.

I don’t know what happened to my friend. But I feel like I need closure. It’s hard to explain. I’ve lost friends through the years to car wrecks, overdoses, getting shot, disease and so on. I hate it. I hate this feeling of empty. I know we all have our time and when it’s time, it’s time. We all handle things in ways that we’re able to with the emotional tools we’ve been given or learned along the way.

Me? I’m still learning.